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Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
💯😂
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.