“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.