OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.