WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
The Assassin.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.