Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.