Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’m not stressed
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.