Lmao
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Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
calling in to work dehydrated
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.