Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
You Might Also Like
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Not all heroes wear capes.
okay run it by me one more time
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy