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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.