There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I’m good, thanks.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!