Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
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“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there