MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
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Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough