surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
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Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
This kid will have a bright future.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room