my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
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A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
me and my fake scenarios
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?