[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.