Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
You Might Also Like
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .