I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Received some very disappointing news today
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.