Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
You Might Also Like
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed