The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
“I wouldn’t.”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
These aliens are taking forever.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.