MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
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me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet