We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Breaking news:
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”