“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.