TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.