Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
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Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’m not wrong
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.