HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
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I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.