I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
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Hey Fugeddaboutit
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one