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Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country