I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
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Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ