This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
You Might Also Like
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
me adding lol on a serious message
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.