The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
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I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
cyclists
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Bobby pin
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
my retirement plan is braless
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest