My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.