ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”