Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
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“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
adam and eve had first world problems
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
the battle rages on
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.