ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
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today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”