after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
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I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Running from your problems is cardio .
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?