Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
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Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.