At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Happy Caturday!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.