*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
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“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣