My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
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