*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
when mom throws a party…
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.