him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
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Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’m ready for Halloween this year
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Whoa 😂
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Discuss
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated