Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.