Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”