[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.