I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
#SCOTUS one-star review
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.