Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
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I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Jogging
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
become ungovernable
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.