My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️