*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
That’s classic.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.