ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Previously On Persistence 😎
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.