My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Hank is one in a melon.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I like crazy people until they notice me
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.